Earworm of the day…

I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…

This is a random song I have heard and not one I particularly like or dislike. This isn’t a casual insistence of a song in the head, this is a compulsion, an earworm (see previous post) with enthusiasm which produces heavy anxiety.  I am sweating and anxious; my nose is running, it runs when I am anxious.  In between lyrics I am writing this post.

I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home… 

I had to look up the band’s name and the lyrics… Closing Time by Semisonic.  The earworm may have been different when I first awoke (although I don’t think so) but this is the one in my head now.  I am not sure that the context of the song matters because I never get past the initial phrase in my head – it just repeats.  This is where therapy comes in with meditation or mindfulness.  Since I know it is the repetition that is stopping other thoughts – creating a type of barrier, because believe it or not, we can only have one thought at a time – with mindfulness I try to stop the repetition by staying with the moment which means in therapy terms, experiencing the feeling of the moment; I have not yet mastered mindfulness nor the idea of seeing the moment in a nonjudgmental way. The feeling is fear, usually a deep fear and some of the thoughts include:

…I feel afraid of being left alone. To me this sounds irrational because I don’t mind being alone at all; I am a relatively quiet person. Nonetheless this is a deep fear which I think has its roots closer to dependency issues and fears of abandonment.

…another thought includes, my father calling me into his bedroom. His room was always dark and smelled musky. He said to shut the door. I crawled up on his bed. I was little so I couldn’t just sit on the bed; I had to crawl up on it. He was lying down and talking to me.

…I am afraid that I will lose my husband and not be able to take care of myself. I fear that I will fall apart at his loss and finally go totally insane. I guess “insane” presents a place of no return? A place of fear and darkness, like hell.

…my nieces moved back from Florida.  Both are divorced. Both have two young children. Both are struggling to make it on their own.  If they lose their job or become ill they will not be able to support their small children.  I feel anxious for them. I worry about them. This thought seems to be about vulnerability.

…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…

…when I was about twelve years old I was invited to sleep over a friend’s house.  She lived on the other side of town.  We played and had fun all day but when it came time for bed I felt a terrible fear and I called my mom to come and get me.

…for many years I cried and felt deep sadness or fear when I heard the sound of fire engine or ambulance sirens.

…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…

…I remember my mother being taken by ambulance to the hospital after she overdosed.

Sometimes writing down the thoughts eases the anxiety….

…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…

I have been experiencing these episodes of anxiety which start about ten days before menses so I have another point of hormone influence. I had surgery to remove an ovary and large mass, which each month sends my hormones on wild tangents. The episodes have been increasing in intensity and they increase during the ten days of “PMS” to the point of near hysteria.  The OCD is also triggered by stress.

download

www.sodahead.com

The word “hysteria” reminds of me of the vibrator; it was invented by physicians who were tried of manually stimulating women to orgasm to treat their hysteria.

I often find PMS information with derogatory references as if it is a joke that women are terrorized by their own bodies. There are many depictions of men in the media who suffer from living with women who experience PMS, although I think they may be confusing PMS and PMDD which is a more severe form.

images

theberry.com

…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…I know who I want to take me home…

References:

“Closing Time” lyrics

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl
Closing time
One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here[Chorus:]
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me homeClosing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won’t be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end[Chorus:]
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from

[Chorus:]
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end

by Semisonic

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/semisonic/closingtime.html

Mindfulness

http://psychcentral.com/lib/ocd-and-mindfulness/00020097

http://www.mindful.org/

http://www.helpguide.org/harvard/benefits-of-mindfulness.htm

PMDD

http://www.mayoclinic.org/search/search-results?q=PMDD

PMS

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/premenstrual-syndrome/basics/definition/con-20020003

Sex toy history

http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/sex-toy?page=0%2C0

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