Personal, whiny, scared. Plus the earworm of the day

images (14)Earworm:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey… you’ll never know dear how much I love you, please know take my sunshine away…

There have been several other earworms but they seem to be fading away as I feel slightly better. This earworm is kind of ironic since we have lots of snow, grey skies and bitter cold.  

It has been over two months since this episode started and I have lost over 20 pounds.  I am still gagging with no images (54)appetite; afraid I am becoming dehydrated as well. I am languishing in my bedroom.

I have no energy so I usually sit quietly and read.  I have been watching Downtown Abby (PBS) on Netflix.  I have been avoiding the news and regular television; sick of its endless loop of opinion and lack of substance.  I sometimes watch comedy and read good news (which is much harder to find.)

I am still in my jammies and need a shower. Eww.  I have been on medication for depression for over a month. I also started the estradiol patch (estrogen)  twice a week, which seemed to help the hot flashes and night sweats but contributed to my anxiety. So for the anxiety I was prescribed clonezapam (I can never spell it right) which makes me tired and doesn’t help my lack of appetite or depression. Last week, as part of the second half of the hormone therapy I started the medroxyprogesterone daily pill (progesterone), which almost immediately started spotting, then menses and migraine. The OBGYN was concerned the estrogen would give me migraines but it took then away; now I have them back.  I am confused about this development because my OBGYN told me to take the progesterone pill everyday so that I would not have any menses (to even the ebbs and peaks).   The trick now is to try and get him on the phone to see what is going on.

downloadSo I guess the plus side is that the progesterone helped some of the morning anxiety. The downside is I am bleeding everyday and anemic.  I wonder what pill they will call in next?

On the plus, plus side, I will see the endocrinologist tomorrow morning to discuss blood test results.  This is huge development because initially I was not scheduled until March.  But I found a different doctor, a young man, who seems willing to listen and help.  So I was given an emergency appointment. I cried.

The weight loss and lack of appetite is really scaring me. Sometimes I feel hungry yet I still can’t eat – I have been reading that stress hormones come into play with appetite suppression. So far, the doctor seems to think I have adrenal problems connected to my thyroid/hormone problems.

Those of you who have been reading also know I have an autoimmune disease called Hashimotos which is devastating to women. If you have recently had a child and are feeling depressed or unwell, or you are getting older and feeling “off” have a full panel thyroid with antibodies test, not just a TSH test. Just the fact that you are female puts you at risk!

images (55)

My greatest fear about tomorrow’s test results is that he won’t find anything wrong and dismiss me to the psyche ward where whose bastards will pump me full of more pills.  Or maybe he will find something in my blood and it will be devastating. I am also worried about what happens after tomorrow; I have been hanging on so long just to get here.  What if he just sends me home with another pill like the other doctors?

When the mind is unwell, at least mine anyway, it tends towards negative loops and thought patterns. I must say that my psychologist has been very supportive and in regular contact. He is concerned that it is taking so long to get help. He thinks I have some type of systemic problem that is negatively effecting my mental state and not the other way around.  But the real concern is that it is taking so long to get help that both the mental and physical states are in a vicious cycle.

Illness sucks.

I just read “Screaming to be Heard!” by Elizabeth Lee Vliet M.D. I do not endorse books, but this one explained hormones and their effects on women’s overall health especially for those nearing perimenopause or menopause. Your hormones can make you crazy.


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