I am still waking at 5am but the anxiety seems milder; the earworms are persistent each morning however, unless I take .5mg clonazepam. Today I tried a 1/2 dose as I attempt to wean off. I am not sure if I should attempt a weaning yet as I have just started to eat a little food and feel a tiny bit better.
Out of all the medications I have to take for my illnesses, it is taking the clonazepam that bothers me the most. I think it is because I have not fully surrendered to the idea that I cannot control the obsessing of OCD, if only I were strong enough, learned to breathe better and relax, etc. I know I cannot control my thyroid for instance, so I take my medication daily without forethought. But I question the clonazepam each and every morning.
While in the throes of this episode of illness I again encountered heavy bouts of depression. I have questions about depressive episodes that maybe someone out there can answer for me; when researching depression there is a list of common symptoms. I am interested in the distorted thinking aspects such as worthlessness, shame, guilt, regret, etc.
I guess my question is, are these real thoughts pertaining to a specific (my) life, i.e. relevant, or are they generic subconscious feelings buried within a psyche and a manifestation of a temporarily disordered brain? E.g. are these distortions just ghosts and/or phantoms stored in the primitive
brain which gurgle out through stress cracks in the darkness?
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I am no slouch on Freud, and I am sure this is basic psychology for some but these types of thoughts are a muddle of confusion while in a confused state, and this is why – When I first started talk therapy we dove into and painstakingly sorted through many of my neuroses and childhood and parent issues. In other words, we have been there and done that. It took many years and a lot of work to face my fears and to realize that menacing phantoms were simply shadows, so to speak. I worked my ass off and never missed a session. I believed in the process as if I were diligently filling a hole I could firmly pat down and sit on the solidness of the foundation I had rebuilt.
Yet, I still have these episodes about every 10-12 years and each one is longer and darker.
To be quite honest, I live a pretty quiet life. I read and write, I garden, I have a family and a home. We are not wealthy but we can pay our bills. We are good, helpful people. We don’t have too much going on in the guilt, shame, worthlessness, departments, and I still have these episodes of repetitive stress injuries to my brain.